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Saturday, April 06, 2024

Primary Blog/Bummer!

Don't you love it when someone tells you how to do your job? Like, how to parent? Or maybe how to discipline your kiddos? Or how to effectively cook your noodles for spaghetti? Or maybe just how to dress more fashionably?

Oh, this person can be super subtle as she ever-so-tactfully tells you how you should be doing it.

Ha! (The phrase "passive aggressive" seems more fitting--am I right?)

The truth is, we can all learn something from other people. In fact, I LOVE learning from others. They are so full of wisdom and tips and life hacks! I am inspired every day by the people around me, and I am grateful for that. I'm especially thankful when I feel like I am in a bit of a funk and I gain a bit of innovation from someone else because, goodness, I need it!

But there can be times when people seem to be a little too helpful. You know what I mean. The friend that always wants to tell you how your form is a bit off when you are exercising together at the gym. The sister-in-law who can't help but mention that your kiddo must dress herself because her clothes are always mismatched. The playgroup mom who makes regular comments about how you need to watch your child more closely and teach better manners.

While these well-meaning people might be trying to be helpful, sometimes we can find ourselves wondering how to process their consistent life "tips." After all, if we aren't careful, we may find ourselves being the passive aggressive one! While it's true that nobody can actually make us feel small or angry or anything else, it's also true that we are human, and comments like these from people close to us can seem exhausting. So, here's a little tip.

Whether you actually say this out loud or just in your head, I find this one little (kinda quirky) word to be super helpful to me. Are you ready? Here it is:


Wait, I know what you're thinking. That is weird! How on earth does that word help me? Stay with me here.

Imagine this. Your friend tells you that you need to watch your child more closely and teach him better manners. Your immediate reaction might be to think that this friend should probably worry more about her own child than yours, but instead you think . . .

Bummer that she doesn't know how good I am at watching my child! Bummer that she doesn't understand how much we work on manners in our home. Oh well!

Now, maybe that word feels a little strange to you. If so, choose one that feels right to you. The idea is to give yourself permission to shrug off the comment because you are already doing your best. And if your friend, or your sister, or your mother-in-law, or your neighbor's brother's wife doesn't get that, bummer! That's ok. They don't need to get it. Too bad for them that they don't understand how awesome you are. Too bad for them that they don't understand that you have things under control, even if it looks different than how they would do it. Too bad for them that they feel they need to tell you another way to do things.

The great thing about this reaction is that it not only validates you, it also gives you permission to immediately let go of any negative feelings that might develop about the other person, feelings that likely won't serve you. "Bummer" is such a neutral word. Allowing yourself to think that the other person must simply not get it provides you with the opportunity to stay neutral, without having to suffer through whatever negative emotions that want to creep in and steal your joy. You won't need to spend any time being hurt or bitter. You won't have to ruminate about what they said. You can remain free because you've shrugged it off, realizing they simply don't get the fact that you are doing "it" right for you.

So, bummer for them, right?

If this is not natural for you right now, practice it. The next time someone gives you unsolicited advice, simply think, Bummer! They just don't get how amazing I am! See how it goes. If it feels right to you, practice some more. While it might take a while to get it down, don't give up.

You've got this!​

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Hi, I'm
Lori Conger

Certified Life Coach at
You Got This

Ever wish you were the perfect mom? What does that even mean to you? And what if you are "perfect" already because you are you. And motherhood is messy and crazy, right?

​As a mother of five, I know all about messy! I also know how to find the perfect in it all so I can thrive and be who I want to be.